Bro – I’m calling it now. The Lakers are gonna win the NBA Finals in 2016.
Seriously, just trust me. I’ll explain and then you’ll get it, cuz it makes mad sense. One second, lemme just finish this Keystone Light first.
Arite, bro, you wanna talk Kobe? Fine, let’s start with Kobe. And I know what you’re gonna say about him, so don’t even say it. Kobe missed mad time the last two years, I get it. But who cares? The dude’s KOBE. He’s 36? So what? He jumped over a car, bro. A friggin’ car! And not just any car, by the way, it was an Aston f#$%ing Martin. Kobe jumped over an Aston Martin, bro. Pretty sure Jordan never did that.
And further, dude, the Lakers and the NBA have both totally boned Kobe over the last three seasons. First, we HAD Chris Paul. He was a Laker, bro. For like at least 15-20 minutes, at least. Then Stern straight up just cancelled it; like what kinda BS is that? It’s no wonder he got fired last season. Nah, man, Stern got fired. Why else would he just bounce in the middle of the season?
Speaking of boning, but kinda off topic; you know that girl Stephanie from Economics? She just started following me on Instagram, and she’s been posting mad bra pics. Like almost TOO many. Jerry even told me you could see part of her nipple in one. I tried looking for it when I was on the can yesterday, but no luck. She must’ve deleted it. Sucks.
Back to the Lakers, though. So we get totally hornswoggled out of Chris Paul, then we trade for Steve Nash and Dwight Howard. Nash used to be nashty (HAHA, I just came up with that on the spot! I feel like I’m gonna be the next Dane Cook or something!), but by the time we got him he was like 100, and now he’s got a bad hip or like swine flu or something. Then Dwight totally bitches out and leaves for the Rockets. The Houston Rockets, bro?!? I didn’t even know the NBA had a team in New Mexico. And besides, how do the Lakers not convince him to stay in Los Angeles? I mean L.A. has the hottest chicks, the sickest cars, mad celebrities and the hottest chicks. Why the heck would he bounce for Houston? I don’t even think you can take a plane straight to Houston, anyway.
While we’re on the subject of planes, bro, did you see all this stuff about ANOTHER flight getting shot down or something? It’s messed up. Yo, I’m not saying it’s all his fault, but there was never any planes shot down in Malasia, or Azerbaijan or wherever until Obama came into office. Now there’s been two in like a few months? I don’t know, man, it just sounds shady. And how come we never saw proof that Osama bin Laden was actually killed? It all seems like a conspiracy if you ask me. The Illuminati is a real thing, bro.
Alright, so now that we got the Lakers’ past outta the way, let’s talk the future. Yeah, we didn’t get any good free agents this year, but that was on purpose. Trust me. It’s all a waiting game, bro. Cuz guess who are free agents next year? Rajon Rondo and Marc Gasol. It’s not even a question whether or not we’ll get them, cuz we are. Both of them. So our lineup in 2015 will be Rondo, Kobe, Julius Randle and Marc Gasol. We’ll find some random dude to play small forward for a year, it doesn’t matter. And just one year, cuz that’s all we’ll need. Why, you ask? Drum roll please…
Cuz in 2016 KEVIN DURANT is a free agent, bro!! And you KNOW he’s coming to The Lake Show. There’s already a legit photo of him in Lakers jersey, so it’s gotta be true. (Honestly, it’s a pretty sick picture, dude. I might actually have to make it my Facebook profile pic.) And once we have Durant, Marc Gasol, Rondo and Julius Randle all on one team, you KNOW Kobe is gonna want to come back and take one last shot at that 6th ring. I even read somewhere that Magic Johnson might come out of retirement to play with the team, too. Durant-Gasol-Rondo-Kobe-Randle-Magic. That team’s more of a sure thing than Sara getting too drunk and passing out in the lacrosse house. (Remember that time she fell asleep on Vinny’s couch? I was the one who drew the “LOSER” on her forehead, HAHA! Did I tell you I’m pretty sure I’m the next Dane Cook??) Maybe we’ll finally get that Kobe-LeBron showdown everyone always wanted – with Kobe winning, of course.
So mark it on your calendar, dude. Cuz it’s gonna happen. If it doesn’t, I’ll buy you a whole 30 of Natty Light. You know what else? I’ll even show you the pics my girlfriend sent me from spring break last year. Spoiler alert: they’re nudes.
See you in 2016, bro.
Doogie Schratweiser is a writer for Back of the Jersey and For S & G. Follow him on Twitter @DoogieSchrat.